Best Restaurant Review Ever?

6 Jan

Imagine Jeremy Clarkson writing a restaurant review.

This had me in stitches. It’s a scathing 1/5 star review of the Alain Ducasse at the Dorchester in London, from the Times:

The menu’s novelty is that it’s written in English, then translated into French, presumably to be culturally droll (culturellement drôle). The food is effortful French bijou objects (objets bijoux), made of ingredients whose foremost quality is their expense and rarity. They are then tortured into little piles that resemble deconstructed Fabergé eggs with worrying froth. The flavours are pastel-pale, and reach your palate with an aristocratic ennui (ennui), each mouthful expiring on your tongue like an exhausted haemophiliac. It’s clever and fiddly, as tepid as a royal handshake and as utterly forgettable as dabs of diplomatic small talk. There are the usual interruptions of small samples of things you haven’t ordered, or even considered, and couldn’t invent. The waiters have accents so thickly frogged that they sound comic and indecipherable, but they do offer you the one intense pleasure of the place when they ask: “What would you like?” You can look at your watch and say half past one, and see how they like it.

One Response to “Best Restaurant Review Ever?”

  1. Ward January 6, 2009 at 10:23 pm #

    I love that, at the end of the piece, you find a link that permits you to “Book a table at Alain Ducasse at the Dorchester”.

    As if.

Contribute To The Conversation

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: