The Nooner – The Five Worst Christmas Songs Ever

28 Nov

A new semi-regular feature on AV Daily will be a top five list for us to discuss and argue. I mean, everyone likes lists, right?

It’ll be released sometime around noon each day and will primarily be written by me, but other writers may fill in based on availability.

We’ll kick it off with the discussion I had with a customer this morning and turned into a heated hour long argument amongst a dozen people that was then transferred to Twitter. You can take my list, re-arrange it and/or substitute songs, but you have to offer your own list. You can’t just complain about mine.

As Buffalo and WNY radio stations begin pummeling us about the head and shoulders with their commercial pop yule logs, I thought it would be fun to make a list of the five worst Christmas songs. Ground rules are that these have to be real Christmas songs that you have a legitimate chance of hearing on local radio. If we go into the unsavory corners of YouTube, we can find some really dark and horrible Christmas songs, like this one:

But, I want to keep it real.  So, it has to be a song you regularly hear on the radio during the annual War on Christmas.

5.Please Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk On Christmas)” by John Denver – So, we all remember that John Denver was an alcoholic, right? K, just checking. In the first verse, the song describes how Dad came home drunk on Christmas last year and in the second verse, he comes home drunk again. The whole song leaves you hanging and the unfortunate listener is left to assume that Denver passed out while recording this little ditty.

4.Christmastime” by The Smashing Pumpkins – This songs gives me the creeps and it sounds like the lyrics were co-written with Jerry Sandusky. This song sounds like a lonely Christmas suicide.

3.Merry Christmas, Darling” by The Carpenters – Remember that lady who suffered from seizures whenever she heard Mary Hart’s voice? I have a similar problem when I hear Karen Carpenter attempt to turn the word “Christmas” into a verb. I don’t have seizures, but I’m filled with malevolence and a desire to knock over snowmen.

2.Wonderful Christmas Time” by Paul McCartney – An awful melody, horrible instruments, Linda’s warbling, and bad memories of disappointing gifts. The opening synth notes immediately make my Christmas spirit turtle up like George Castanza’s schmekel in a cold pool.

1.  “Christmas Shoes” by NewSong – A red state country Christmas song that is beloved by Twilight Moms and serial killers.

However, Christmas Shoes inspired this brilliant bit by Patton Oswalt, so it has that going for it, which is nice.

Also, honorable mention: “Backdoor Santa” by Clarence Carter – Because who doesn’t love a song about Santa bribing kids to go to bed early so he can have anal sex with their Mom?

12 Responses to “The Nooner – The Five Worst Christmas Songs Ever”

  1. Jon Splett November 28, 2011 at 3:24 pm #

    Christmas music is probably the worst genre of music that’s not named dubstep to begin with so there’s really a lot to go with here.

    My number one most hated is definitely that Paul McCartney crap with the Band Aid classic “Do They Know It’s Christmas Time” coming in a close second. “Santa Baby” comes in third followed by the high pitched, irritating whine of the “Little Drummer Boy” in fourth. I’m undecided on 5 because there’s just so many options but I’ll stay modern and say Mariah Carey’s sonic abortion; “All I Want For Christmas is You”

    • Chris Smith November 28, 2011 at 5:09 pm #

      Jon, I assume you mean the Bowie/Crosby version of Little Drummer Boy? Also, the Band Aid song nearly made the list just based on Bono screeching “Well, tonight thank god its them, instead of youuuuuuuuu” Um, what?

  2. Dan November 28, 2011 at 3:39 pm #

    I love Christmas. And then every year from the goddamn day after Thanksgiving people play Christmas music and by the time Christmas rolls around I’m grumpy about it.

    I think Paul McCartney DID die all those years ago and now Satan has taken his form to torture me with that godawful abomination of a song.

  3. Julie November 28, 2011 at 5:03 pm #

    “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas” makes me physically ill.

    • Chris Smith November 28, 2011 at 5:07 pm #

      My 3YO daughter loves Hippopotamus for Christmas, but it makes me want to hunt hippos.

  4. JJJJShabado November 28, 2011 at 5:07 pm #

    Dear Mr. Jesus. I don’t need a song about child abuse. The first time I heard this, I was driving in my car at 11 at night and it was one of the most depressing things I’ve heard.

  5. Jon Splett November 28, 2011 at 5:18 pm #

    Chris, I actually mean the version with the high pitched kids singing (I wanna say the Vienna Boys Choir maybe?) but really any version of the song will annoy the piss out of me.

    While on the subject of Christmas music though, I do have to say the one good Christmas album is the one the Vandals put out. If “Oi to the World” could just get into the regular rotation, holiday shopping might not make me so ragey. I’d even settle for the inferior Gwen Steffani cover of it.

  6. Rob M November 28, 2011 at 9:05 pm #

    I can’t argue with any that Chris mentioned, especially Dominic the Christmas Donkey (one of my students showed me that video last year) and The Carpenters. I also definitely agree with most of those mentioned in the comments section, especially the Band-Aid song, the Paul McCartney song, Santa Baby and the uninspired Crosby/Bowie duet, and I hope none of those get stuck in mine or anyone else’s head now. I would throw some Manheim Steamroller into the discussion for somewhere on the list.

  7. Right Said Fred November 30, 2011 at 1:24 pm #

    Some more submissions:

    * “Jingle Bells” by Gene Autry

    Retire it. Sung by a man who couldn’t act, let alone sing, yet we’re still hearing it 50 years later.

    * “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer”

    Just waaaaaay too stupid.

    * Oh Holy Night by Carrie Underwood

    Or should I say SCREAMED by Carrie Underwood! Her voice results in an instant headache for me.

    * Any song sung by Alvin, Simon and Theodore.

    * “All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth”

    As stupid as “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer.” Brutal.

  8. shawn52 December 2, 2011 at 6:08 am #

    i love merry Christmas song from this Top Christmas songs list .. 🙂

  9. Jen December 10, 2011 at 9:29 am #

    I HATE Christmas shoes. I have no problem with drunks on Christmas (Fairtyale of New York style, not drunk daddies). I also like a sentimental Christmas song (see: Same Auld Lang Syne), but there should be a law against songs with dying parents and other ways parents ruin Christmas.

  10. Kooz December 21, 2011 at 12:37 pm #

    My list also has Dominick and Christmas Shoes (http://kooztop5.blogspot.com/2011/12/top-5-worst-christmas-songs.html), as well as some others. It’s amazing how many truly bad Christmas songs have been made, such that there is a legitimate case for so many being included among the worst…

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