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The Nooner – The Five Worst Christmas Songs Ever

28 Nov

A new semi-regular feature on AV Daily will be a top five list for us to discuss and argue. I mean, everyone likes lists, right?

It’ll be released sometime around noon each day and will primarily be written by me, but other writers may fill in based on availability.

We’ll kick it off with the discussion I had with a customer this morning and turned into a heated hour long argument amongst a dozen people that was then transferred to Twitter. You can take my list, re-arrange it and/or substitute songs, but you have to offer your own list. You can’t just complain about mine.

As Buffalo and WNY radio stations begin pummeling us about the head and shoulders with their commercial pop yule logs, I thought it would be fun to make a list of the five worst Christmas songs. Ground rules are that these have to be real Christmas songs that you have a legitimate chance of hearing on local radio. If we go into the unsavory corners of YouTube, we can find some really dark and horrible Christmas songs, like this one:

But, I want to keep it real.  So, it has to be a song you regularly hear on the radio during the annual War on Christmas.

5.Please Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk On Christmas)” by John Denver – So, we all remember that John Denver was an alcoholic, right? K, just checking. In the first verse, the song describes how Dad came home drunk on Christmas last year and in the second verse, he comes home drunk again. The whole song leaves you hanging and the unfortunate listener is left to assume that Denver passed out while recording this little ditty.

4.Christmastime” by The Smashing Pumpkins – This songs gives me the creeps and it sounds like the lyrics were co-written with Jerry Sandusky. This song sounds like a lonely Christmas suicide.

3.Merry Christmas, Darling” by The Carpenters – Remember that lady who suffered from seizures whenever she heard Mary Hart’s voice? I have a similar problem when I hear Karen Carpenter attempt to turn the word “Christmas” into a verb. I don’t have seizures, but I’m filled with malevolence and a desire to knock over snowmen.

2.Wonderful Christmas Time” by Paul McCartney – An awful melody, horrible instruments, Linda’s warbling, and bad memories of disappointing gifts. The opening synth notes immediately make my Christmas spirit turtle up like George Castanza’s schmekel in a cold pool.

1.  “Christmas Shoes” by NewSong – A red state country Christmas song that is beloved by Twilight Moms and serial killers.

However, Christmas Shoes inspired this brilliant bit by Patton Oswalt, so it has that going for it, which is nice.

Also, honorable mention: “Backdoor Santa” by Clarence Carter – Because who doesn’t love a song about Santa bribing kids to go to bed early so he can have anal sex with their Mom?