Tag Archives: satire

Anti-Semitic Pixels Go Unchallenged

18 Mar

In the last few weeks, there has been what at least one person – seemingly ignorant of the word’s definition  – considers to be a scandal. Known to many as “one of the many lawyers who works around Buffalo” and commonly referred to as, “isn’t that guy retired”, one nominally “Democratic” activist pointed out that a horrible crime had been perpetrated – the chief executive of Erie County used the county seal on his campaign website.

Not waiting for Republicans to point out any alleged impropriety, he bravely preserved democracy and the American way by ensuring that only one Democratic politician was called out. Never mind that the seal appears on the websites of other county politicians,  this was the America-saving result: 

Thanks be to God that this grievous insult to the taxpayers of Erie County has been rectified. The entire internet has been sanitized, and you can no longer infer that there was some official imprimatur from county government over Poloncarz’s website. No word yet on whether any alleged “Democratic” “Activists” will demand similar cleansing of other political websites, lest our civilization fall. 

But why was the most glaring insult overlooked? 

If you look very closely at the “Poloncarz for Erie County” header image shown above, it is made up of tiny pixels. One of the pixels in that image is a known, admitted anti-Semite.  In spite of that fact, no one has demanded its removal, or that Poloncarz further scrub his website. County Comptroller Stefan  Mychajliw has not yet sounded the alarm – reasonably or otherwise – over this grave injustice. 

Right there. That particular pixel is clearly not only anti-Semitic, but an outspoken nazi. How is it that all of these great legal minds, all of these brave Democratic activists were so lazy and blind as to not demand that pixel’s immediate removal from a campaign website? If you go to Poloncarz’s website and attempt to give money, are you giving money to support white supremacy or euthanasia? 

These are important and heady times for self-hating Democrats. There aren’t just offensive pixels, but rude cursors, Stalinist background images, and fascist metatags – none of which have been exposed or called out by the likes of the Niagara Falls Reporter and the people who take it seriously.

“Short as life is, we make it still shorter by the careless waste of time.” – Victor Hugo.

An Orientation For New Readers

25 Oct

Here at WNYMedia we’ve been getting a lot of new readers, from around the state and throughout the country, because of our breaking coverage of the New York Governor’s race and Carl Paladino. I only joined the team last year, but this news outlet has been around since 2004, and we do a lot more than talk about Carl.

As of this writing, we have over 33,000 articles and 115,000 comments – quite a lot of catching up to do if you are new here. So to help bring new readers up to speed, and save you a lot of reading, I’ve used a special computer program that combs through our extensive database, and distills all of the discussions on this site to a handy seven minute movie. Please excuse the electronic, Sally Silicon voice over – we had a lot of condensing to do. But rest assured, by the end of the video, you will be fully caught up with everything that’s been going on the past couple of years.

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[Update: Upon further review, it became clear from the first few comments that I was too vague in my satire. I didn’t make the video – some random guy on YouTube did it. I think it’s funny because every word spoken in the video has been typed by a WNYMedia commenter at some point in the past. There. The indignation may continue now.]

A Modest Proposal

21 Sep

Dear Opponents of the Ground Zero Mosque,

Even in sleepy Buffalo, we keep up on national events. We’ve been following the fight against Park 51, the new Islamic Community Center a couple blocks from the World Trade Center, and I have to say we’re disappointed.

First, that whole Islamophobia thing is undeserved and unbecoming. Not only is this America, but you’re New York City, historic home and welcomer of immigrants. Religious groups have the right to build centers of worship on private land in this country. That’s the way it should be. Yes, we get the whole sacred site issue. But fear-mongering and hatred are never right, and you’re better than that.

But secondly, and most importantly, we’re disappointed because you’re so bad at stopping this development. Eminent domain and politically inspired fundraising investigations (when Park51 has only raised $10,000, after all) are ham-handed and beneath you. Far be it for us to opine, but we’ve mastered the art of development impediment in Buffalo, and trample on private property rights for reasons far more shallow than a national tragedy. We have some tips for you – the sledgehammer you are using is not nearly passive aggressive enough to be successful.

Remember, in 2010, fear is bigotry, and pleas for temperance, consideration, and understanding are invalid. But architectural outrage and offense over foundations unbuilt to the curb is the highest form of political discourse.

So try this instead. You don’t have to do them in this order, but we’ve found these usually work:

Add the Burlington Coat factory to the National Register of Historic Places: But it’s just a Burlington Coat Factory, you say? That building was built in the 1850’s. We add everything from then to the register. We call it “pre-Civil War” or “Canal-era.” I’m sure you can come up with a name. And don’t worry about the local Landmark Preservation Commission voting not to protect it. The State of New York makes the call on NRHP packages, and they’ll approve anything. You should see the stuff in Buffalo that makes the list. This isn’t all Teddy Roosevelt’s Inauguration site, let me tell you.

Say the Park51 mosque does not follow an urban development plan: We have tons of plans in Buffalo, and don’t follow any of them. I’m sure you can dust off a Port Authority plan from the 1980’s that says that block should be [insert restrictive use here], and a community center is not in keeping with the intended highest and best use blah blah blah. You get the idea.

Demand a Community Benefits Agreement: Normally these are done when there is a significant outlay of public money. But considering this center will be used to foster inter-faith dialogue and heal the wounds of 9/11, I’m sure you can say such a public high profile building requires that the community see some tangible financial benefit. LEED certification, all union workers, and a living wage for all employees is a good place to start. I’m sure when the building cost balloons to $30 million, and a living wage for the janitors living in Lower Manhattan is found to be north of $100K a year, the Park51 backers will have second thoughts.

Complain about traffic: This one may be tougher for you, since no one in their right mind drives in that neighborhood anyway. But require a traffic study, and demand the Park51 owners show that bringing 1000 people to the center will not increase traffic anywhere in a three block radius. Impossible, you say? That’s the point. Which reminds us . . .

Gripe about parking: If there is no parking, demand it. If there is parking, decry it. They can’t win. We love this one.

Appeal to the Zoning Board: But its already within zoning guidelines? Demand special conditions. Our zoning board specifies the hours of operation of businesses before granting permission. I’m sensing midnight to 5am. See: Traffic, above.

Ask the Lenape Indian Tribe to declare that address as sovereign land: No, I’m not kidding. Don’t worry, they can just claim that one spot, not the whole island again. I know, right? Can you believe it? Yeah, really. I know, I get it. Hmmmm.

But seriously, you should try it.

Say the design sucks: It is very important during this portion of the process that you say you fully support Park51, you just don’t want to throw up every time you look at the building.  I mean, look at that. You have a lot of potential here. The modern nature of the design clearly does not fit into the historic character of the surrounding neighborhood. The opaque outer skin, with Middle-Eastern inspired grill work underneath, is a mismatch of styles that completely fails to inspire. The historic structures to either side are painted cream, not grey, as shown in the artist’s rendering – it would be obvious how jarringly the colors clash if the correct hues were used. The unformly horizontal shape is lifeless, and reminds me more of the monolith from 2001 than a center for learning and healing. And we haven’t even yet mentioned how this construction does not comply with the MillionTreesNYC initiative. I’m sure when you add the required greenery in front (on the sidewalk only – still build to the curb, of course), the entire front facade will have to be rethought. If we can do it in Buffalo for unglazed exterior finishes, you can do it for this abomination.

When in doubt, sue: Just pick one of the issues above, and seek an injunction. Cases need not have merit to succeed at this tactic – investors will often pull out just because the suit is filed in the first place. A couple years of property taxes paid by stymied developers, while the site remains on the tax rolls, should help do the trick. 

Some combination of those methods have proven successful here for the last fifty years. If we think of any more, we’ll be sure to drop a line. Good Luck!

Yours truly, from Canada,

The City of No Illusions

Bullshit

11 Mar

Parody? Not so much if you watch cable news during the day or Channel 2 at any time…

Some Bullshit Happening Somewhere

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Paula's Back!

21 Oct

You may remember Paula Polinski’s shopping excursion in downtown Buffalo.

She’s back with her friends to do some exercise!

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How Else Is He Going To Learn Not To Fall off That Bike?

23 Sep

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BLOCKBUSTER! OBAMA'S REAL KENYAN BIRTH CERTIFICATE!

3 Aug

That other Kenyan Birth Certificate for Obama is, like, totally a forgery.  I have the real one.  MUST CREDIT WNYMEDIA.NET!

birthcert

L.O.S.S.

10 Feb

One definite growth opportunity not just in WNY, but probably throughout the country:

The news has been grim in Western New York for virtually anyone seeking a job in the metropolitan area during the past fifty years. But yesterday, a bright spot suddenly shone for thousands of Buffalo’s unemployed. Legions of job-seekers milled around excitedly in a vacant lot adjacent to the Boulevard Mall as they waited to apply for one of the 1,600 immediate openings in the steadily growing field of Leaning On Stationary Signs (L.O.S.S.).

Several factors in the national economy, including the recent credit crisis as well as rampant consumer confusion regarding the simple math skills needed to follow a basic budget, have combined to create an explosion in the L.O.S.S. market. And experts predict that the L.O.S.S. field will continue to grow at a steady pace, particularly in long-suffering markets like Buffalo.

A Signature Tunnel!

14 Dec

From the Buffalo Ruse:

Calling the idea of a signature bridge linking Buffalo and Fort Erie “outdated, outmoded and a menace to our precious migratory bird population,” a safety-tethered Mayor Byron Brown of Buffalo and Fort Erie’s Honorable Wayne Redekop held a joint news conference today to announce the planned construction of an underground “signature” tunnel linking their respective countries.

Standing amidst the rushing current of the Niagara River and wearing a bright orange safety line attached to his belt, Mayor Brown announced loudly that “the time has come for Buffalo and Fort Erie to move into the twenty-first century.” According to the Mayor, a signature tunnel will allow consumers, Canadian and American alike, to travel from one side of the river to the other in the most efficient and stylish manner possible. “Citizens will no longer have to sit for hours on the congested, truck-filled Peace Bridge to enter the United States and Buffalo,” said Brown. “They will soon be able to enjoy the prolonged delays in a stylish, modern tunnel instead.”

Mayor Redekop, holding a ceremonial shovel and struggling to stand upright as wind-driven waves crashed repeatedly against him, shouted to a small contingent of reporters and area lawmakers who stood on the shoreline. “New York City and New Jersey have their historic Lincoln Tunnel. France and England set aside their hatred for each other to build the famous Chunnel. And now, finally, the people in Southern Ontario and Western New York will have a signature tunnel that allows them to stand tall and cross our international border with confidence and pride.” The Fort Erie mayor screamed that a signature tunnel, buried deep beneath the silt-covered Niagara River basin, is “the strongest possible message to the rest of the world that Buffalo and Fort Erie are once again open for business.”

I laughed at “announced loudly”. So perfect.

Terrorist Fist-Bump

23 Jul

Via Vanity Fair, obviously.