April Fools’ 2010 “Clarence to buy Buffalo”: Is Hartzell Behind it?

On April 1, 2010, some cretin sent a fax to various media outlets purporting to be from Clarence Town Supervisor Scott Bylewski. The fax was, to put it mildly, an April Fools’ prank gone awry. It looked to be a press release announcing that the town of Clarence had purchased the City of Buffalo, was asking the city to be emptied and turned into a park.

It was obnoxious, mean-spirited, racist, and totally unfunny. It made the whole town look bad.

The person who sent it faxed a follow-up apology the next day. But who sent it? Here, watch the Channel 2 report from 2010:

Something there caught my eye. The phone number under Bylewski’s name. Bylewski can’t be reached at 741-0149.

That’s pretty damning evidence that the offensive April Fools’ letter from 2010 was sent out by current Republican supervisor candidate David Hartzell. It’s also his business’ phone number.

Here’s what the prank letter said:

Town of Clarence completes record setting purchase of the City of Buffalo, New York and kindly asks all city residents to leave.

Clarence Supervisor Scott Bylewski is proud to announce that the town of Clarence has completed the purchase of the City of Buffalo from cash-strapped New York State for two hundred and thirty one million dollars.” It’s a win-win for all involved” said Governor David Patterson, “Clarence gets to expand their park system and we get rid of a cash-sucking rat hole of a city”. When asked if Clarence could afford the purchase, Town Clerk Nancy Metzger said “two hundred and thirty one million dollars…that’s chump change. In fact, I have an envelope in my desk for that I use for lunch money for the office staff that has more than that in it”. Metzger indicated that the town would pay for Buffalo ‘in cash’, adding that the sum would be most likely paid in tens and twenties. “We have a ton of cash left over from last Wednesday nights traffic court” she continued “that Judge Schmedrick is a real bastard.” The town plans on converting the City of Buffalo into the largest park in New York. “We will give the people two weeks to leave” added Bylewski, “and after all the people leave, we plan on importing some deer, turkey and other wild stuff from Clarence to give the city that homey, suburban, Clarence kind of feel. While we want all the residents to leave, Pano can stay. After all, every park needs a good place to eat. We plan on turning the City of Buffalo into the biggest park in New York…bigger than central park, but without the crime.” When asked where he plans on sending all the current residents of the city, Bylewski suggested Eden. “Its kind of rural down there, plus there are jobs at the kazoo factory.”

Bylewski continued “after all the people leave, we may open the gates of the zoo and let the animals out. We can create a giant jungle safari, just like they have in Canada.”

As with any major purchase, new personnel assignments will have to be made.

Bylewski said that current Highway Supervisor Ted Donner will move over to the position of top cop. “Ted has that young Clint Eastwood thing going” said Bylewski, “if we let his hair grow and give him an allowance to buy some of those mini cigars that Clint loved in his spaghetti westerns, he will fit in. The new commissioner of parks will be Karen Jurek. No one knows trees like the Jureks” added Bylewski, “Karen can grow mold on a rock.” I plan on appointing Clarence resident Reese Graber as the new mayor. He’s been the unofficial mayor of Clarence for years, why not make it official?”

Lastly, “we planning on inviting Jose to say and live on the West Side in his current apartment. All of our high school kids know Jose,” adds Bylewski, “and we need someone who is good at selling dimes bags without getting jumped. Every time that Forest Buhler’s Day Off runs on the Movie Channel, I get barraged by complains that our aging hippies and high school kids have to drive all the way to the west side to buy a bag. One of the results of the master plan, updated in 2006, was that we lack a reliable source of weed in Clarence. I tried to take the Town Controller, Myron Goldman, and teach him to deal, but he kept getting beaten up. Plus, Jose will make Clarence diversified and politically correct, as we have exactly zero Puerto Ricans at this time. Now, out kids can drive from Clarence to…Clarence! to buy a bag. Progress…it’s a beautiful thing”

Let me tell you what I think.

I don’t know for sure if Hartzell sent that prank letter, but someone using his phone number did, and did so well over a year before there was a political race for supervisor. It’s not funny – it’s offensive. Whoever wrote it is a sick and twisted individual.

After Channel 2 aired its story, an apology was delivered reading as follows:

To the people of the Great State of New York, The City of Buffalo, The Town of Clarence, and The Honorable Scott Bylewski,

I am truly sorry for the e-mail that I wrote on April 1st. It was not meant to disparage, but simply to amuse. Obviously, it did not, and for that I am humbly and deeply sorry for any consternation, discomfort, or hard feelings that my letter may have caused. My sincerest apology to any of the hard working Clarence Town Employees that I may have offended. That was not my aim, and if I have caused you any grief, I am very, very sorry.

I also want to apologize to the good folks in Buffalo. Buffalo has had an amazing rebound over the last 20+ years and it is your hard work that has brought it back.

Lastly, the letter was not meant to be racist, and I apologize to any people of color that I have offended.

We all make mistakes, and I am no exception. I humbly beg your forgiveness as we head into the Easter holidays. I hope you will find it in your hearts to forgive me for this terrible lack of judgment.

It’s my opinion, based on the poor attempt at humor, the neanderthal thinking, and the phone number match, that Hartzell likely sent the letter. Anyone who would concoct such nonsense is unfit for public office; is unfit to represent the town.