Help Us Obi-Wan Trumponi; You’re Our Only Hope!

31 Jan

Welcome to Buffalo, Mr. Trump!

I know you’ll enjoy your time at the Republican fundraiser at Salvatore’s Italian Gardens – its design sensibilities match your own. Not to mention there will be well-heeled Republican donors willing to shell out $100 – $500 to see and possibly meet you, as well as a ragtag group of not-so-well-heeled Republican activists demonstrating for your benefit outside in the parking lot. 

During the last few weeks, desperate New York Republicans have figuratively fellated you so sweetly and slowly, never breaking eye contact as they lovingly, sloppily caress your manhood. The official local party organ has given you a ton of sketchy massages with happy endings this week

It’s so wonderful to be so loved; to be feted and worshipped like a God. It’s like every western New York Republican is doing their best Princess Leia impression:  help us Obi-Wan Trumponi; you’re our only hope

I read with interest the local political reporter’s story about your 757 aircraft. I especially enjoyed the part where he transcribed a portion of the voice-over from a documentary about it. Reporting!

You are their God because you embody the ideal of Homo Republicanus. You’re wealthy beyond belief, and everything you do is done to excess. You’re on your second family, but at least you never kept it secret, unlike the last Republican to run for governor, who took to the radio this week to explain how much of a “family man” you are. How he arrived at that conclusion is a mystery. You detest Obama and gleefully call him an ineligible Communist. You can’t stand Andrew Cuomo and know you can defeat him, but you demand some sort of unity in the Republican Party as a prerequisite to running. This is clever, because a few county chairs and perhaps the state committee may oppose you, and this would give you an out. You’re a well-known brand, but because of your outspoken tea party politics, you’re not a particularly well-liked one. You hate the idea of people having access to affordable health insurance, your personal morality doesn’t match the party line, and you’re often combative and rude. 

But are we to believe that you’ll relinquish control of your companies to go to work in Albany, of all places? Let’s not forget that being governor isn’t some side gig you can do part of the day, and then traipse off to Manhattan to run an empire of tack. Politics is perfect for you, but if you win, you’d have to govern. The key to effective governing is compromise. Are you ready for that? I know you have experience cutting deals with business rivals, but can you translate that into policy? And what do you know of real people’s genuine problems? You don’t hear much from the 99% while ensconced in Trump Tower, or vacationing in Mar-a-Lago. Billionaire problems aren’t my problems, or most people’s. 

Also – that thing that Cuomo said about extremist right-wingers? You know that he was talking about right-wing politicians, not average people. You also know he was right about what extremist rightists believe; Paladino’s electoral outcome is something you might be able to surpass, but not enough to beat Andrew Cuomo. You are so far on the right-wing fringe with your politics that you’ll do great up here where the people aren’t. But downstate? Your politics suck and a great many people there already think you’re a bit of a nouveau-riche prat. 

Your visit to Buffalo tonight is the biggest speed dating event in WNY history. I think it’s great, because the disappointment will be so deep when you inevitably drop out because of work obligations, the fact that your lifestyle doesn’t need the headache of public scrutiny, or because you’ll have to disclose your financials and be expected to satisfy certain ethical obligations. 

Have fun at Salvatore’s! They have great steaks! 

Love, BP

19 Responses to “Help Us Obi-Wan Trumponi; You’re Our Only Hope!”

  1. UncleBluck January 31, 2014 at 8:52 am #

    Why do Republicans continue to try and elect the un-electable…….?

    • Lamont Cranston January 31, 2014 at 8:54 am #

      Because God’s a liberal.

      • Michael Rebmann January 31, 2014 at 11:47 am #

        God is a libertarian, otherwise there would be neither poverty, nor a 1 percent. Equal opportunity is the key, not equality.

      • Lamont Cranston January 31, 2014 at 12:09 pm #

        When I used the word “God” I was referring to the actual God, not the imaginary jackass you worship.

      • John Wilcox February 2, 2014 at 11:40 am #

        You mean the one who put so much junk in Kim Kardashian’s trunk?

      • Lamont Cranston February 4, 2014 at 11:29 am #

        I never question the Lord’s judgment.

    • Black Rock Lifer January 31, 2014 at 10:15 am #

      Lets count our blessings.

  2. Sean Danvers January 31, 2014 at 9:40 am #

    Gotta love the fact that the great white hope for WNY repub’s is a guy who by all rights and demonstrated actions could care less about doing anything even remotely positive concerning WNY.

  3. Jaquandor (Kelly Sedinger) January 31, 2014 at 3:11 pm #

    Salvatore’s has great steaks? Really? I only ate there once and didn’t have a steak. What struck me as odd was the place’s background music, just generic dull pop-music top-40. Shouldn’t a joint like that be playing Sinatra, Dean Martin, that kind of thing?

    • Alan Bedenko January 31, 2014 at 3:25 pm #

      Salvatore’s isn’t the pinnacle of fine dining, but it’s a lot better than it used to be.

      • rastamaniac February 2, 2014 at 6:21 pm #

        Wait til they plant old Russ out front. MM-mm nothing makes me want a steak like the proprietor in a masoleum out front.

      • Ridgewaycynic2013 February 4, 2014 at 7:15 am #

        Mr. S has plans to be planted in front of Russell’s Steaks Chops and More, which is the restaurant he opened after the palace coup at Salvatore’s. The Salvatore kids are probably very grateful and relieved over that.

  4. jimd54 January 31, 2014 at 3:41 pm #

    $100 to $500 to attend a republican circle jerk? Food better be good.

    • Lamont Cranston January 31, 2014 at 4:08 pm #

      No matter how good the food is, the handjobs will be horrible! All those gnarled, scaly Republican hands – SHUDDER!

  5. jimd54 January 31, 2014 at 4:20 pm #

    I’m not so sure. I think those that bloviate on WBEN have mastered the wrap around

    • John Wilcox February 1, 2014 at 2:20 am #

      I think you mean the reach-around.

      • jimd54 February 2, 2014 at 6:12 am #

        Yes, thanks

  6. JordanThen January 31, 2014 at 10:50 pm #

    Alan, have you seen Bill Maher’s “Flip a District” campaign? I would think that you would be interested in applying for him to take on Chris Collins. Thoughts?

  7. rastamaniac February 1, 2014 at 1:27 am #

    After he gets blown out will be punt and join Carl on the B-Lo School Board? Love these born on third base guys who think they hit a triple when they try to do politics the same way. Ever held elected office before, worked with a legislature in a system of checks and balances? Hell no. O.k. then maybe you should start out as Governor of New York. Effing hilarious.

Contribute To The Conversation

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: